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Life after Cancer

26/01/2016 by Emily Leave a Comment

This is life after cancer. Sitting together in the sun and feeling joyful just because.  Going out for breakfast and catching a glimpse of normal on the horizon. Crying at night after an ordinary day because the exhaustion and the worry and the relief are still there in every moment. Hearing of someone else’s tough times and feeling it in your gut because you know, now, what it’s like.

For Scott, there’s no more surgery, no more treatment, no more cancer. The tumour was lodged at the base of his intestine, that final frontier for waste; the rectum. The doctors showed no mercy.  His rectum was blasted with radiation, poisoned with chemotherapy and then cut out entirely.  In the language of modern cancer treatment, the procedure was a success. No rectum, no tumour, no cancer and no chance of it returning.   If he gets cancer again, for a third time, it will be another cancer altogether, cos this one is not coming back.

On the other hand, that most essential of organs – the rectum – is not coming back either.   For Scott, life without cancer now means life without a rectum. Life without cancer is mostly joy, tinged with the bittersweet. It’s relief and gratitude and appreciation of the little things.

Life without a rectum though, is just crap. We’re told it gets better, with time. For now though, life without this small, yet under-appreciated organ is uncomfortable, inconvenient and undignified. It’s hour after lonely hour on the toilet, wondering if it’s safe to leave. It’s the clenching of teeth and scrunching of eyes and squeezing of pelvic floor through wave after wave of urgency and no rectum to manage the flow.   It’s all day every day near a toilet, without spontaneity or plans or leaving the house. It’s living in the moment because right now it’s good and later it might be completely miserable.

That’s just what I see from the outside. I’ve watched Scott do battle with his body these last few months and I’ve been in awe of his strength and in despair for his suffering.  I’ve floated high on the cloud of euphoria that came with the end of treatment and sunk deep into the realisation that, actually this is just the beginning. A lesser man would have collapsed under the weight, I’m sure of it. But he is weightless, existing in the present moment, and able to let go of the moment that just passed.  He’s like a leaf spinning and battered against the rocks in white water, then moments later floating in the sun in still water. Me? I’m back at the rapids, checking the weather and rearranging the rocks.

Today is a good day. It’s sunny and we’re having an unexpected holiday.  There’s an ensuite with a spa, the kids are doing backflips in the pool and Scott’s family are here taking care of the details. We didn’t think we’d have a holiday this year, but things worked out for us. Sometimes they do. For today, that’s enough.

Filed Under: Cancer, Our Story

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Categories

  • Adrenal Fatigue
  • Cancer
  • Living Thoughtfully
  • One Small Change
  • Our Story
  • Permaculture
  • The Rise of the Feminine

When Emily had Adrenal Fatigue

  • My Neural Retraining Adventure – Update 2 1 Nov 2018
  • My Neural Retraining Adventure – Update 1 26 Jun 2018
  • The Last Time I Tell This Story 25 May 2018
  • Recovery and Changing Direction 19 Jul 2017
  • The Other Side of Tomorrow 29 May 2017
  • Adrenal Fatigue 18 Jan 2017
  • I stopped working. Now what? 21 Aug 2016
  • On Life Catching Up With Me, and Letting Go. 11 Aug 2016

When Scott had Cancer

  • Life after Cancer 26 Jan 2016
  • Cancer Free 11 Nov 2015
  • Post Operative 4 Sep 2015
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What people are saying

  • Kate Ficai 16/11/2018 at 10:06 pm on My Neural Retraining Adventure – Update 2It's so gratifying to read this Em and know the DNRS has lead to improvement, if it works for you
  • Caroline 12/09/2018 at 2:24 pm on Winter in the Kitchen GardenOmg! It looks amazing!! My question is; how the $&@@ did you scare off the possums? They eat everything I
  • Caroline 14/08/2018 at 3:45 pm on Designing our Permaculture GardenWow! That’s so cool! I’m so excited for you! Well done! Xxx
  • Moya Maguire 26/05/2018 at 12:12 pm on The Last Time I Tell This StoryAll the best Em. I look forward to hearing the new story. ❤️

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